By Liz Vande Putte
One of the biggest challenges we face as autistic employees is working out the unwritten social rules that everyone else seems to live by. Sometimes neurotypical people can get upset or offended when we ask about unwritten rules, and a lot of neurotypical people aren’t even aware that there are unwritten rules, so they can’t explain them to us even if we ask. How do we find out what the unwritten rules are, and how do we avoid breaking them?
Ask someone!
Your neurokin (our fantastic community of neurodivergent people) are a great resource for solving this problem. We understand what it’s like not to know these silent laws and what happens when we get it wrong. A lot of us have spent decades deciphering social rules and expectations for our own survival. Because we have learnt them from experience (with a lot of trial and error along the way), we can actually explain these rules in a way that neurotypical people can’t. Online and social media support groups are a supportive, knowledge-filled place to ask your unwritten rule questions, and our guide to building a support network as an autistic job-seeker has more ideas.
If you’re starting a new job, one of the perks of being new is that you’re expected (and encouraged) to ask lots of questions, so you can ask a trusted colleague about some of the strange rules of the workplace in your first two or three weeks. After this, many workplaces expect you to somehow know everything, so asking a lot of questions can seem annoying, even if your employer and colleagues know you’re autistic or neurodivergent. The HR (human resources) department may be more understanding than other co-workers, and their job is to support you in the workplace, so use them! If you’re thinking about telling your new employer you’re autistic, read our guide to disclosing your neurodiversity at a new job.
Watch and learn
Observation can be a good way of working out the unwritten rules of your workplace, so watch what other people do and take cues from them. Remember that every workplace has a hierarchy, with owners, managers and people who have been there a long time at the top, and everyone else fitting in beneath them.
Many organisations have a chart that shows the structure of the business, and this can be a really helpful guide to the unwritten social hierarchy, as it often follows the same order. People at the top of the social and work hierarchy are allowed to break some of the rules (it’s unfair, but it’s a kind of reward for being at the top), so try to take your cues from colleagues on the same level as you. The boss might be allowed to leave their dirty mug in the kitchen for someone else to wash up, but everyone else is probably expected to wash their own.
Social etiquette in the workplace
Lots of the unwritten rules in the workplace are about social etiquette. Some standard ones are:
- Say good morning to people when you arrive for work. Include receptionists, security staff and all the people in your working area or your team: basically everyone you have to interact with.
- When you go for your lunch break, it’s a good idea to tell someone where you’re going and when you expect to be back.
- When you leave work, say goodbye or good evening to the people you greeted in the morning if they are still there.
- Try not to interrupt people when they are on the phone or talking to another co-worker, unless it’s urgent. Emails are often a good way to ask questions, because then you have the answer written down to refer back to if you need to.
- If you’re making a cup of tea or coffee, ask the other people in your office (or team) if they would like one too.
- Hot drinks are a great ice-breaker on your first day. You can introduce yourself to your colleagues by asking them whether they like tea or coffee (and how they take it) and making a list you can refer to when you make hot drinks for them in the future.
If you’d like to talk to your manager about what helps you communicate at work, our article on communicating your needs in a job can help you prepare.
Lunch and break times
Lunch and break times can be difficult to navigate because they are unstructured, so we’re left without any guidance on what to do. Some of the challenges include:
- Where to eat
- What to eat
- What if someone else’s food smells bad?
- How to do small talk
- How to avoid small talk and have some time to yourself
Answers and strategies for each challenge
- Some workplaces have a canteen where you can buy food or eat your own packed lunch, while others have a break room where you can eat a packed lunch, heat up a microwave meal or eat something you’ve bought that day. Lots of office jobs allow you to eat lunch at your desk, but some don’t, because food and drink don’t mix well with computers! Ask where it’s OK to eat lunch, but bear in mind that eating at your desk won’t give you a break from the office environment.
- You may find it best to bring a packed lunch to take the uncertainty out of what to eat. Lots of us autistic folk have food allergies and sensitivities that make eating out or buying a sandwich difficult.
- Some people might bring food we hate the smell of, so it’s a good idea to have a backup place to eat lunch if the break room or office smells of stinky sandwich! It’s actually considered rude to eat really smelly food in an office or shared space, so it’s OK to speak up if someone is eating something that offends your nose.
- Our article on understanding office small talk will help guide you through this challenge.
- If there’s a park or somewhere outside to sit near your workplace, this can be a good place to eat lunch and take a break from the office environment. A walk in the middle of the day is a good opportunity to process the events of the morning and spend some quiet time, which can really help you get through the day without becoming overwhelmed. This is especially helpful if you work somewhere busy and noisy, as many open plan offices are.
Using your phone
Many workplaces don’t allow you to use your phone during the working day, although this varies from job to job. Generally, if you work in retail or hospitality and are serving customers most of the time, you shouldn’t use your phone for social media, videos or games. In fact, many workplaces don’t even let you keep your phone in your pocket while you’re working. Break times and lunch times are both good times to use your phone, but if you’re expecting a very important call, you can ask your manager if you can keep your phone on you that day.
In office jobs it’s a bit different, and you’re usually allowed to have your phone with you. However, the rule about using your phone at break and lunch times still applies, so you’ll need to save YouTube, social media and personal emails for those times. If you need to answer a call, it’s best to go somewhere private to speak, not only for your own privacy but so you don’t disturb people who are working. Go into a corridor, or even into the toilet, to take or make personal calls. Keep this to a minimum, though, and only answer or make calls that can’t wait. The same goes for text messages, although you don’t need to text somewhere private unless you have keyboard sounds turned on.
Lastly
Working with a coach or mentor can help you manage the expectation of sticking to these unwritten workplace rules. Having someone you can ask, without judgement, about the nonsensical things that are expected is a big help. A work coach or mentor can also help you explain your neurodivergence to your colleagues so they understand why you might act (and react) differently to them. Being openly neurodivergent at work takes a lot of courage, but you don’t have to do it alone. The National Autistic Society’s employment advice also covers your right to ask for reasonable adjustments.
How Enna can help
If you would like support in your current role, Enna’s workplace coaching gives autistic and neurodivergent employees a safe space to work through the unwritten rules and build confidence at work. If you are still job hunting, browse the Enna jobs board for employers who welcome different ways of working, sign up for job alerts, and take a look at our tips for autistic job-seekers. You can also email us at hello@enna.org.
For employers, writing the unwritten rules down is one of the simplest ways to help new starters settle in fast. Our free neurodivergent employee onboarding checklist is a good place to begin, and neurodiversity awareness training for managers helps your team welcome every kind of thinker. Book a call to find out more.
